Theory of pork chops and condensation.

The issues began with the robot. It ended with some guy getting punched in the spleen after having some painful corns on his feet removed... but thats another story. The robot however, was tasked with having to find a word that rhymes with orange. Because its brain is a difference engine rather than a comparator or a hot dog boiler, the result it ended up giving was: "hand job". Occasionally people will get hurt doing simple tasks. This time was no different from usual, but don't you think for a second that boiling hot dogs is a simple task. Which reminds me, ,my mom always said, "lick me I'm Salty". I kinda thought she was talking about the hot dogs she was boiling, but one day I found out what she really meant. What she meant was to tell me how annoying it was when I persisted in sticking pieces of cake in tupperware and not refrigerating them so they got moldy and then offering them to her unaware that they were past their prime. I thought I was doing a good thing! Cake and mold are fucking dumb.

So, now that the robot had a word that rhymes with Orange it's next directive was to take this information and share it with the world. However, things didn't go as planned. Having eaten the orange it was given as an example at the beginning of the task, its mouth was all rusted shut. Not to mention that it was full of rind and boiled hot dogs. and moldy cake your mom would try and hide after you gave her the old cake in the tupper ware with the cracked lid that nobody could crack no matter how hard they tried, until one day they approached truckasaurus, and truckasaurus cracked that shit. Right in two. Cleaved. stupid truckasaurus. always cracking my shit. don't do it, truckasaurus, that is my shit i and it doesn't need cracking. so just stop it and sit down. gonna deflate your fucking tires. truckasaurus. jerk. in fact, if you want to help why don't you crack the robot's jaw so you can eat like a snake. God I love truckasaurus. If I was a giant robot dinosaur chick I would ask truckasaurus out on a date to sip a giant robot milkshake from two dinosaur straws. We'd rollerskate there because our tires are runflats in case some stupid jerk tried to deflate them. Speaking of rollerskatess, have you ever noticed how when you buy a bag of those baby carrots, that aren't really baby carrots, they are really just carrots that somebody chopped up and carved to look like baby carrots, yeah, those baby carrots, so have you ever noticed that there is always like a half cup of baby carrot liquid that you need to drain out of the bag or the baby carrots will be all slimy? well, i think you do know what i'm talking about, but what i don't think you realize is how putting that baby carrot liquid on your corns before rollerskating can make you write retarded run-on sentences.

My favorite fish is blue and fits in my hat. I brought it to make love to hamburger helper. Right in his glove! Not his long slinky red satin glove that he wears with evening gowns and pearls to fancy fund raisers. But the white one he wears on TV. Like when he's in commercials and stuff that usually air during soap operas because typically, women watch soap operas, and as any high school trigonometry teacher can tell you, women love gloves. They love gloves almost as much as prison guards do. It's pretty serious glove love.

Have you ever banged a glove??? Right on the noggin with a shovel or a trowel or something? They have stout hearts and sometimes grippy bits or knuckle protectors. It feels like your growing potatoes out of your nostril, but it's nice too. Bono does it all the time. To his walrus friend, Steve. Oh god, Steve - he is quite a character! I remember this one time when Bono was banging a fireman's rubber boot, Steve came over to ask if he wanted a piece of Twinkie he was eating at the time. Bono got all pissed off and shoved that Twinkie right in Steve's walrus ear. All of a sudden Steve took the boot Bono was banging and shoved it up the ass of an older woman who happened to be walking by. Then Steve turned to Bono and asked "Hey, does this Twinkie make my brain realize that the woman I just violated is actually one of my time travelling ancestors?" Obviously the answer is NO because there's no Guarana in that Twinkie. But, as we all know, Twinkies don't need guarana to fuck you up. especially if they are inserted into your ear where the twinkie magic is absorbed through your inner ear membrane lining. which is why ray didn't realize that he was fantasizing he was not just bono, but the unholy trinity of bono, the old woman with the boot in her ass, and steve, bono's friend, the walrus with said twinkie stuck in his walrus ear. and it was right about the time that ray was not realizing this that he had eaten a piece of moldy cake that truckasorus gave him the day before. What a trip!

When Ray finally came too his senses, it was too late. The only thing that could make him feel better was a trip to the san andreas fault, where the wild frigonometry wizard makes noodle pies which are said to cure any ail. Which is bullcrap because I had one once when I had herpes, and it cured my herpes and gave me whooping cough. I was pissed! But anyway, maybe if ray went and found him he'd be okay. It's very hard to find this guy though, you need to relax. just calm the fuck down. ok? ok, that's better. and that bit about herpes and whooping cough, well that was a mistake. what i meant to say was "hey, what's up?"